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psychic or psycho?

Nov. 30th, 2009 | 04:23 pm

i guess that's the difficulty about today's modern world when it comes to spirituality these days.

On one half you have the traditional side which believes in there being a spiritual world, a world of mental existing above the physical, which creates things, which we can connect with.

And on the other half you have the scientific view which views everything as being physical, and the ideas of spirituality as being merely an extension or psychological projection of mind onto non-thinking things.

As some of you may know, I consider myself to be spiritual, but I have also the case of wondering if maybe my spiritual experiences are simply psychological which could be just a manifestation of my own imagination.

I believe I've 'seen' images when I think about people in my mind's eye. I also believe that the indeterminate world of physics could also be organized by certain principles which could be considered an analogy or an analogue of consciousness. The thing is of course making it hard to determine about whether I'm just imagining these things.

I believe I have a spiritual guide, a brown haired female self called Amanda who just wants me to go out there and have fun and enjoy the game of life. But I don't know if that is merely a projection of my own feminine way of thinking and my own innermost desires merely put forth.

How is one to get their head around this?

Any suggestions?

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I feel like such a shit

Nov. 28th, 2009 | 01:01 pm

I made a mistake today
I made someone who was in an already fragile state worse and I hate myself for it.
It was a fucking mistake, scuse my french, I wanted to write something saying someone like them was loved and cared for and understood by someone who knew what they did, which was cutting. Not loving them because of cutting, loving as in supporting them through the hard times. I triggered it and I feel like a total shit.
Thing is I've felt like cutting before.
But for me its not to make myself feel better, unless you consider killing yourself a way of making yourself feel better.
I've already posted about panick attack levels, right now I'm level 2, dropping to depression and thoughts of just deleting myself out of LJ before I do too much damage. It's times like this I wish I was psychic, so I could tell what was right to post and what not to. I know I'll probably make them feel worse if they read this, and would probably draw to them unwanted attention. But I guess I wanted to give them the feeling that someone out there would care for them and love them and support them through the hard times. Not me, but someone close to them at least. It's not that its their fault for not seeing it. It's my fault for not thinking clearly before posting. I only hope they can forgive me.
I just wish there was some way to undo what I have done.

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The Seven Levels of Hell: or stages of intensity to a panick attack

Nov. 27th, 2009 | 03:54 pm

I have personally gone through all 7 stages of a panick attack, going from very low anxiety to the worse that can be described as almost psychotic anxiety to suicidal anxiety.

The stages I'm writing down as 7 with 0 being normal and 7 being the worst imaginable. But based on my personal experience I think it's based around for me. Others may have similar reasons but this list I feel is important for others to know about.

The stages are as follows:

0: Normal: One is self aware in the moment. Any anxiety up here would be random based on events that happen to you outside your control.

1: Aware and Nervous Separation: You now notice your self-awareness with an increased feeling of separation as you think of yourself as panicking in a noticable way. Low level of anxiety felt in the backgruond.

2: Increased separation and pressure building: This separation makes you feel pressure from everyone around you watching you, judging you and making you feel judged, scrutinized, or feeling bad, just because you're panicking. Strong background anxiety.

3: Paranoia and memory guilt trip: You become paranoid, beginning to imagine there aer people watching and judging you. All bad memories of mistakes you have made and thought are dredged up and you feel terrible. Very strong background anxiety.

4: Dissociation: Unable to take on the pressure you begin to dissociate and see yourself outside your body. You now feel that you are splitting away from your reality and are now beginning to go crazy. THis is extreme anxiety.

5: High fear and anger stage: You scream at everyone to go away from you, even if there's noone there in the room. You want to run away and hide under your bed and not be seen by anyone. This is suffering level anxiety.

6: It doesn't stop: And nothing you seem to do seems to stop it. You get really anxious thinking you'll never be the same again, and that you'll go insane. You can't sleep at night. Dangerous Anxiety.

7: Suicidal Risk: You want to escape from this, but no medicine works, you can't sleep, and you want the pain to stop. You feel humiliated from your guilt trip and no longer want to be alive. Most people here at this stage could commit suicide. Most dangerous anxiety.

I have been through all of these, and I was wondering if others had been through similar stages?

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I'm now on Skype

Nov. 22nd, 2009 | 05:00 pm

under matthew.david.bowron

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My Panick Attack Rant

Nov. 21st, 2009 | 06:46 pm

LJ Cut for length

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writing difficulties 2 - the long awaited sequel

Sep. 10th, 2009 | 09:31 am

I've decided to put my writing on haitus for the time being. It's not that I don't have ideas. The story of a person who's stages of life mark also the stages of development of one cycle of civilization, from scavenger hunting through to posthuman world government. One of my oldest ideas was to just write a story about a person and show the world around them slowly changing as technology changed and developed and as their own culture grew and altered over the periods of change. I also wanted to have the cycle of one life also be a period where people were feeling near suicidal based on their struggling to exist and survive in the foraging times, to a feeling of posthuman enlightenment where one could upload one's consciousness to the universe and become one with it. That idea still intrigues me, but what confuses me is how to set it out. Do I just set it out like a biography and write each chapter of the two main character's lives as they go through these stages, or do I try to do something else? The old idea of a biography of a person or two people in the case of this story, that mirror the life of a civilization still intrigues me, the only thing I worry about is if its original enough, or if I should try something else.

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Storywriting difficulties

Sep. 1st, 2009 | 05:16 pm

I'm having now again problems with starting my story.

I know I've asked the question before if my story is original, and I don't expect people to give me answers right away.

I just know that I haven't read a book that uses Spiral Dynamics and Progressive Revelation and Developmental Psychology connected to the History of the World before. If I'm able to write said book is the question I would like to answer.

The only problem is there's a lot of worldbuilding that needs to take place, as in a lot.

The first story is based around the idea of beige, of people who are basically on the brink of extinction, think the apes in 2001, fighting amongst one another, living in very small groups, often on their own, fighting to survive in a world of drought, perhaps brought on by an ice age. It is here that man is a scavenger, eating small animals, roots, tubers, and sometimes meat off stolen carcasses. They're more like homo habilis or homo erectus than homo sapiens, not that they've changed in appearance.

The question that I have to ask is, is a story about the survival of a couple on the edge of extinction an interesting story?

Stories of couples trying to survive after a cataclysm have been done before. Take The Road by Cormack McCarthy for instance. A boy and his father are surviving what seems like a nuclear winter, struggling to find food and people in a post-apocalyptic america. It was a best-seller just in how it wrote about the basic story in the way it was told. Thus could that mean my story of 'beige' be as good?

This is a question I leave to you to comment on. The idea is to bring it into either a savannah like land, leading up to a post-apocalyptic city through the various interlinks with various wandering tribes.

Maybe I should just start it with the people facing extinction and just go from there.

I don't know, what do you think?

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Contact info

Aug. 27th, 2009 | 09:49 pm

If anyone from the public, livejournal or whereever wants to contact me regarding my story Namuh Htrae or any of my posts feel free to do so at my Windows Live Messenger at Matt_2019@msn.com

You can also contact me at my Myspace page at www.myspace.com/matthewbowron
Or you can search for me as Matthew Bowron on Facebook.

I'll be happy to make your acquaintance. :)

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I have an intriguing idea ... collaborative stories.

Aug. 21st, 2009 | 02:54 pm

I've been having trouble with creativity. It's not coming up with ideas that I have a problem with, it's about being creative enough to actually write a story that I think others will find interesting. Most of my ideas have been based around cerebral topics, but they also need conflict, something to get the ball rolling.

And I was thinking, that with so many few ideas being considered up for grabs, what if I made my story idea public, so that everyone could contribute their own stories based around this world I was making?

Basically this is the idea: the history of the world is cyclical, there are 9 periods of history that are each based around different beliefs.

Basically the nine stages are this:

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how to thread together the events of history 2: the big idea

Aug. 20th, 2009 | 11:07 am

Some people say history is cyclical, and so I've decided to have my nine stages become split into thirty six ten-page chapters, equalling to a total of 360 pages. Each chapter will become an object or artifact in the next chapter, going through not one cycle of history but four cycles, with the last chapter being the same as the first one.

So far i've got a plan that goes something like this

Chapter 1: beige: the civilization ends through a technological singularity which reverts all survivors back to the stone age.

Chapter 2: purple: this singularity is retold by the tribes that live in the new world as a great end of the world that was made by the gods

Chapter 3: red: this story of the gods punishing man is removed and replaced by the new kingdom's legends of mankind conquering nature

Chapter 4: blue: the stories of the truth of the heroes of the past is talked about by philosophers during the reign of a great nation

Chapter 5: orange: the philosophical ideas are released as the first printed novel by merchants whose rule has replaced the previous nation

Chapter 6: green: the mystical ideas of the past are re-established by modern thinkers in industrialised independent nations

Chapter 7: yellow: the mystic groups of industrialists are believed to be those who want to create a new world order

Chapter 8: turquoise: the ideas of the world being a repetition of history are reserved for academics

Chapter 9: coral: a new religion emerges that calls for a return to the ways of the past and a removal of the world government

Chapter 10: beige: the tribes in the world destroyed by singularity struggle to find food in the post-apocalyptic environment

Chapter 11: purple: artworks depicting the relationship between man and nature are created

Chapter 12: red: animal art worshipped in the past is replaced by images of heroes that are mixtures of man and beast, the first gods.

Chapter 13: blue: the artwork of the gods in the past is discovered to use mathematics that speak of mystical truths

Chapter 14: orange: this mystical mathematics is later re-studied by new academics during a period of enlightenment

Chapter 15: green: the enlightenment studies lead to revolutions by merchants and liberals against the ruling aristocrats

Chapter 16: yellow: the materialism consumerism of the revolted merchants is now the ruling norm

Chapter 17: turquoise: the artwork of marketing consumerism now loses all symbolism, any symbol can mean anything

Chapter 18: coral: there rises rebellion groups wearing meaningfless symbols that attempt to break down from inside the world government

Chapter 19: beige: people struggle finding shelter amidst the ruins of the old civilization destroyed by the rebels

Chapter 20: purple: the old worldview of the world as dangerous is questioned by the mystical tribesman

Chapter 21: red: it is this view of the world as helpful and united that is kept secret by the new artists of the new priesthood

Chapter 22: blue: art forms of fully human sculptures depict the ancient priests in the new nation

Chapter 23: orange: the buildings containing the sculptures is painted using perspective

Chapter 24: green: paintings of the artists painting buildings is shown as fragmented and disjointed in dadaist, or abstract art

Chapter 25: yellow: fragmented art is used by an atheist skeptic who tries to create more unitive ethical moral codes

Chapter 26: turquoise: these ethical moral codes are quoted as part of the plan of the new world government

Chapter 27: coral: the world government under attack attempts to create a long-lasting technological singularity project

Chapter 28: beige: the strong warriors struggling post-singularity fight over power over who shall become the first chief 

Chapter 29: purple: the chiefs and warriors separate themselves from the early priesthood to establish their first kingdom 

Chapter 30: red: the kingdom/empire separates into a period of independent nations 

Chapter 31: blue: the monotheistic religion of the new nations is replaced by a growing form of rational scientific thinking 

Chapter 32: orange: this scientific thinking leads to the beginning of maths suggesting more dimensions than generally agreed upon 

Chapter 33: green: it is this knowledge of dimensions that leads to new forms of energy, creating powered megacities 

Chapter 34: yellow: the mathematics expands upon its original writings by exploring the possibility of parallel universes and infinite energy 

Chapter 35: turquoise: art forms expressing this infinite variety of choices in universes becomes merely another fashion to choose from 

Chapter 36: coral: these virtual worlds of art are absorbed into the other dimensions that truely exist when the technological singularity occurs, leading the remainding survivors to go again on the journey of slow cultural evolution in peace  

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