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why i hate panick attacks

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Dec. 6th, 2009 | 09:41 pm

you can't think straight, you think for a moment that you've gone crazy, you feel everything's a threat and that its coming to get you because you feel you've fucked up in a way so badly that you'll never be forgiven. You go tense, your breathing's so shallow you feel like you might pass out or hold your breath and never breathe again, you feel your heart crush inside your chest and you wonder as if you'll ever feel normal again. You don't even want to write this because you feel that what you're carrying inside is like an infection, an infection of panick, an infection of insanity that can spread through others merely picking up on how you're feeling. You want to not exist, you want to find a gun and shoot yourself because you hate feeling like this and want it to be over now. The problem is how would that affect others you love, would it make them love you more or hate you? And why is this here? Because I met some girl who I thought I could fall in love with, but I can't even talk to because I fear she'll see me and freak at the freak I've become. I fear I hear others talking about me, that I'm what others are whispering about outside. I fear for my own safety as well as my own sanity. I fear myself, and what I'm capable of. That I'll fly off the handle and just start attacking everyone because I can't stand to be around them when I'm like this. I hate myself and I hate the world. And this is from dissociation, the feeling of splitting off from yourself and feeling that you're outside yourself and will never forgive yourself again. You feel like you've become the untouchable, the unlovable, and you utterly hate the fact that its only you who's putting yourself through this. You can't handle such simple terms as I, me, myself, you, and so you break into second person because you're trying to get hold of a situation you can't think straight, when you know that this confrontation is the last thing you want. You want to curl up into a ball and die right then and there, and you feel that no one anywhere will be able to help you. I hate myself for writing this. Who is this me? Where did he come from? What is he doing? And what will he do now? I am a stranger to myself, alienated from myself, a stranger in a strange land, an alien lost to the fears of his own mind and nothing now will do anything. They say you attract everything to yourself, that you only create this upon yourself. Well I thought I would have a panick attack and look where I am. For those of you who read, don't put yourself through this. It's not worth the effort, all your own self criticizing will give you ill fortune and bad habits, such as self criticism and lack of self worth, which is what I'm going through. So, stranger, is it me or is it people in general that I/me/myself/you are talking to? Or is this merely the diaries of a madman attempting to grasp for one final piece of salvation? I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I want this to stop, I want to feel better, I want none of this to happen again to myself or anyone else. I,I,I, Me,Me,Me, Now,Now,Now, as Captain Hook said in Hook. And here I am lost in my own tauntings, unable to escape my own bitter punishment of myself for no good reason at all. I pray to God that he finds me and rescues me from this world before I do something I might regret. I'm sorry if I've caused any of you harm through writing this, and for now, goodbye.

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Comments {6}

Susan

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from: mendedbutterfly
date: Dec. 6th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
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Though I've never had a full blown pannic attack (what I have is more like GAD and PTSD), I can relate to a lot of what you have written.

And I really and truly hope you feel better soon as I know how terribly desprit these feelings can make a person.

Please be safe *hugs*

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from: who_wanders
date: Dec. 6th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
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I can relate to a lot of that... particularly with attacks that happened to me in public- heart would race, breathing would want to speed up with it and I wouldn't let it so no one would notice me acting weird, which just made me dizzy and my vision go blurry, which made everything else worse... shaking, wanting to run away or curl in a ball, wanting to die- thinking I *was* dying and thats why this was happening(before I understood what was actually going on)... and I still have the same thoughts/feelings. Unlovable, a freak, something's wrong with me, no one will want to deal with me like this...
There are ways to get through it. I've found things that help me, and you're bound to as well. But for now, I hope you'll be safe and well..

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who cares?

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from: miss_smexy
date: Dec. 6th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC)
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hey, i hope you feel better. i want you to know that you should and can be your self with the person you want to love you. if you cant be you then it isnt worth working on or trying to move forward. never hide who you are for the betterment of others. be you 24/7 that is all you can be. yes i know how a panic attack feels and you explained it in every way i would have. i hope you know that they dont have to define you the way you let them. you dont have to be matt the one with panic attacks if you dont allow that to happen. you are more then that so dont dwell on the fact that you have them. you dont bring them to yourself they just happen, dont be so hard on yourself all the time. its life live it. love will happen and it will come and go just be ready to grab it when it comes. as for being a stranger to your self i feel that way all the time. with or without a panic attack as you move through life you will be come a little stranger each day. some days i dont know where i came from or who i am but you know in that feeling i find that i learn a little more about myself each time. so maybe you can learn about those parts of your self and take away some good from it. im here if you need to talk im sorry you feel bad and i hope you feel better today.

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from: catlips
date: Dec. 6th, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC)
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i have pretty bad anxiety as well, although i haven't had a panic attack in years. it was worsened by benzos like xanax, and really the only thing i've found that helped long-term has been meditation and deep breathing exercises. it doesn't necessarily help on-the-spot (although it does to an extent) but over time is really so great. i'm sorry you're having such a rough time and i hope you find something that works.

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Emma

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from: poetryofthedead
date: Dec. 6th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC)
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I have social anxiety disorder but I've never really had a full blown panic attack, i tend to run away and avoid the situations themselves before i get to that point.

I hope you feel much better soon, sending *hugs*

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namuhhtrae

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from: namuhhtrae
date: Dec. 7th, 2009 01:19 am (UTC)
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thankyou to everyone who has commented, i really appreciate you all being here as my friends supporting me. It means so much to me I don't know what to say. But I am getting better, eventually.

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